Note to my mother that she probably won't ever see.

Mommy, I could never tell you this to your face, or even in an email, but at some point you will need to hear it. Mom, there are a lot of things that I'm going to tell you here, and most likely, you will cry. Please don't call me crying because that's specifically the reason I haven't ever told you these things. I don't even really want to discuss this with you at all, I just want you to understand the repercussions of the actions you've chosen over the last twelve or so years of my life.

First, I never have and never will like your husband. I think he says things to both Ashley and me that are not "inappropriate", but just don't need to be said. He often overreacts or takes part in discussions that don't involve him and generally disrupt any good times we might be having.

Second, you left me. You can argue all you want that you weren't leaving me, you were leaving daddy, but truth be told, you left ME. Why did you leave? You had to leave because you cheated. Why did you cheat? You were bored with your life. What was your life at the time? Being a stay at home mom with two young children. You were bored with the life you chose, and you left behind two young children. 

Luckily for me, I have an amazing father and two amazing grandparents who either won't bored, or were able to put the boredom aside to step up and do what they needed to do. I have a daddy who will work eighteen hour shifts at work so that he can buy me the things I need or want, so that he can pay for my college education, so that he can buy me birthday presents. Mom, in eighteen years you've probably given me what, five birthday presents? I'm not even asking for a gift, just.. I don't even know. Something other than a last minute phone call. Although I shouldn't really complain, because this past year, at least you remembered to call. I had to call YOU to remind you to call Ashley. I have an amazing set of grandparents who you can hate all you want, but they raised me and had more of an impact on my life than you could ever dream of having. My grandpop has helped me with every single project I have ever had. He's done more homework with me, helped me with more book reports and helped make more science projects a reality than I can even help. My grandmom has taken me shopping for school every year that I can remember. She would take off work for me at the drop of a hat for something as small as a choir concert in which I sing in one song. Mom, you miss school plays that I have major roles in. Thanks for that. But I digress, this is about what you've done, not other people that have stepped up to fill the hole you left.

Finally Mom, I'm old enough to know that while you will always be my mother and I will always love you, that I can't depend on you or expect you to be a true "mom". Danielle doesn't have this luxury. If I wasn't a full time college student, I would take Dani and adopt her. You and her father are single handedly ruining her life. A child her age, who already has underdeveloped social skills, probably due to your drug use and intolerance for average child behavior, should not be moved around to four different schools in less than one full school year. A 9 year old kid shouldn't see her mom abusing drugs, or hear her brag to her older children and ex-husband about drinking an entire box of wine. Mom, think about the example you have set for not only her, but all of your children. 

I apologize that this is pretty harsh, but everything I've said, you've been needing to hear for as long as I can remember. Get a job, save some cash and treat your youngest daughter, the last one you have who still has faith in your parenting ability, the way she deserves to be treated.

Mom, I do love you, and I always will. I believe that everything happens for a reason, so there must be a reason you act the way that you do, I just wish I knew what it was. I hope one day I actually show this to you.

Too much to ask?

I'm about to embark on a new frontier, or at least a new roommate. I am partially to blame for the first one failing because I didn't voice my opinions on things I felt strongly about. This time, I will do it right. I let her write our roommate agreement and just nodded along. Not this time. So, this is the blog to the roommate I will have within the next week or so.

Hello [Roommate]. 

 These are some things that I want you to know. I feel like my first roommate relationship failed because we both automatically assumed it would be okay for her to take charge and dominate me. No offense, and not that I expect you to, but it isn't happening again.

Therefore, I propose that we each come up with a few "rules" that we both will follow. We should do this separately, and then come together with them so that neither of us are influenced by the others.  This is my list of five rules:

1. I will probably talk on the phone in bed at night, but I won't stay on later than 11:30 UNLESS there is no school the next day, and then I might.

2. Sometimes my boyfriend will stay over, but never more than two consecutive nights in a row. I will ask you before he comes if it is okay. If there is some reason that he might need to stay an extra night, I will definitely clear it with you first, and if you say no, that's okay.

3. I won't make noise or wake you up if I get up before you, as long as you do the same for me. 

4a. I need the TV on to fall asleep, but I can keep it on mute if the sound bothers you.

  4b. You can control the TV all day, watching whatever you want, as long as I can watch Food Network in bed, and Project Runway on Wednesday nights. 

5. I don't really support drug or alcohol use. As long as you don't do it in the room, come back excessively intoxicated, or bring the party back with you, I have no problem with you doing it at all. 

I really hope that this is okay with you. If it isn't, I really hope that we can work something out that we are both okay with. I really hope this works out. I really want to like you.

Love, 

Jenn.

It has come to my attention that...

I really don't write in here that much. I'd rather put pen to paper than fingers to keys. 

I apologize.

Also, I know who sees / reads my paper journal, and I can fold down pages in that.

There's no hiding what gets written in here. 

And honestly? I don't like you as much as you think I do. I don't like anyone as much as they think I do, so if you're reading this, it might be you.