Note to my mother that she probably won't ever see.

Mommy, I could never tell you this to your face, or even in an email, but at some point you will need to hear it. Mom, there are a lot of things that I'm going to tell you here, and most likely, you will cry. Please don't call me crying because that's specifically the reason I haven't ever told you these things. I don't even really want to discuss this with you at all, I just want you to understand the repercussions of the actions you've chosen over the last twelve or so years of my life.

First, I never have and never will like your husband. I think he says things to both Ashley and me that are not "inappropriate", but just don't need to be said. He often overreacts or takes part in discussions that don't involve him and generally disrupt any good times we might be having.

Second, you left me. You can argue all you want that you weren't leaving me, you were leaving daddy, but truth be told, you left ME. Why did you leave? You had to leave because you cheated. Why did you cheat? You were bored with your life. What was your life at the time? Being a stay at home mom with two young children. You were bored with the life you chose, and you left behind two young children. 

Luckily for me, I have an amazing father and two amazing grandparents who either won't bored, or were able to put the boredom aside to step up and do what they needed to do. I have a daddy who will work eighteen hour shifts at work so that he can buy me the things I need or want, so that he can pay for my college education, so that he can buy me birthday presents. Mom, in eighteen years you've probably given me what, five birthday presents? I'm not even asking for a gift, just.. I don't even know. Something other than a last minute phone call. Although I shouldn't really complain, because this past year, at least you remembered to call. I had to call YOU to remind you to call Ashley. I have an amazing set of grandparents who you can hate all you want, but they raised me and had more of an impact on my life than you could ever dream of having. My grandpop has helped me with every single project I have ever had. He's done more homework with me, helped me with more book reports and helped make more science projects a reality than I can even help. My grandmom has taken me shopping for school every year that I can remember. She would take off work for me at the drop of a hat for something as small as a choir concert in which I sing in one song. Mom, you miss school plays that I have major roles in. Thanks for that. But I digress, this is about what you've done, not other people that have stepped up to fill the hole you left.

Finally Mom, I'm old enough to know that while you will always be my mother and I will always love you, that I can't depend on you or expect you to be a true "mom". Danielle doesn't have this luxury. If I wasn't a full time college student, I would take Dani and adopt her. You and her father are single handedly ruining her life. A child her age, who already has underdeveloped social skills, probably due to your drug use and intolerance for average child behavior, should not be moved around to four different schools in less than one full school year. A 9 year old kid shouldn't see her mom abusing drugs, or hear her brag to her older children and ex-husband about drinking an entire box of wine. Mom, think about the example you have set for not only her, but all of your children. 

I apologize that this is pretty harsh, but everything I've said, you've been needing to hear for as long as I can remember. Get a job, save some cash and treat your youngest daughter, the last one you have who still has faith in your parenting ability, the way she deserves to be treated.

Mom, I do love you, and I always will. I believe that everything happens for a reason, so there must be a reason you act the way that you do, I just wish I knew what it was. I hope one day I actually show this to you.

Too much to ask?

I'm about to embark on a new frontier, or at least a new roommate. I am partially to blame for the first one failing because I didn't voice my opinions on things I felt strongly about. This time, I will do it right. I let her write our roommate agreement and just nodded along. Not this time. So, this is the blog to the roommate I will have within the next week or so.

Hello [Roommate]. 

 These are some things that I want you to know. I feel like my first roommate relationship failed because we both automatically assumed it would be okay for her to take charge and dominate me. No offense, and not that I expect you to, but it isn't happening again.

Therefore, I propose that we each come up with a few "rules" that we both will follow. We should do this separately, and then come together with them so that neither of us are influenced by the others.  This is my list of five rules:

1. I will probably talk on the phone in bed at night, but I won't stay on later than 11:30 UNLESS there is no school the next day, and then I might.

2. Sometimes my boyfriend will stay over, but never more than two consecutive nights in a row. I will ask you before he comes if it is okay. If there is some reason that he might need to stay an extra night, I will definitely clear it with you first, and if you say no, that's okay.

3. I won't make noise or wake you up if I get up before you, as long as you do the same for me. 

4a. I need the TV on to fall asleep, but I can keep it on mute if the sound bothers you.

  4b. You can control the TV all day, watching whatever you want, as long as I can watch Food Network in bed, and Project Runway on Wednesday nights. 

5. I don't really support drug or alcohol use. As long as you don't do it in the room, come back excessively intoxicated, or bring the party back with you, I have no problem with you doing it at all. 

I really hope that this is okay with you. If it isn't, I really hope that we can work something out that we are both okay with. I really hope this works out. I really want to like you.

Love, 

Jenn.

It has come to my attention that...

I really don't write in here that much. I'd rather put pen to paper than fingers to keys. 

I apologize.

Also, I know who sees / reads my paper journal, and I can fold down pages in that.

There's no hiding what gets written in here. 

And honestly? I don't like you as much as you think I do. I don't like anyone as much as they think I do, so if you're reading this, it might be you.

Everytime I think it's finally over...

you appear and ruin all the hard work I did forgetting you..

Best friends are just difficult in general.

So theres this girl. She was my best friend for four years. I guess we've been friends for five, although we haven't been so close the last 5 months or so. See, she started dating this guy who I'm sure is very nice to people who aren't a so called "threat" to him, but apparently, because at one point she was very more than just my best friend, he feels that I am not to be trusted. Yes, there was a time when I loved her, and I still love her very much, but in a very different way. Anyway, the point is, he told her he didn't trust me, he didn't want her around me, and she disappeared. She disappeared just before I left for college, in the middle of August.

Last week she texted me, told me she was on a break with this guy, and wanted to make amends. Wanting my best friend back, I agreed. Today, I saw her for the first time since we stopped talking in August. Her, the third to our trio and I spent the day at our high school, and at the homecoming pep rally. We went to the movies and saw Mr. Magoriums Wonder Emporium, and then just she came back here and we watched Chuck and Larry. During the day, we had a talk where she gave me a very heartfelt apology, I told her why I felt threatened by her boyfriend and why I didn't like her around him, and we just, I guess reconnected. Then she told me she is back together with the boy, but she promises not to disappear again. Tonight though, half way through Chuck and Larry her phone rang, and her oh-so-sweet boy blared into the phone "I'm around the corner if you're coming" She looked at me, and I really feel that in her eyes I could feel her being sorry, and said "I'm sorry, I need to go."

I'm supposed to spent the morning with her tomorrow at the Homecoming game. I'm scared it isn't going to be like it was today. I'm scared that it was just... a joke.. for her to get me to be vulnerable when I finally had gotten her out of my system so she can rip my heart out again. Maybe not the same part of my heart as last time, but my heart none-the-less. I'm scared to lose my best friend again. Help me.

Fucking Roommates

1. Acts like it's her room she's letting me live in
2. Gropes her skeezy ass boyfriend no matter who's in the room, including my parents and shit
3. Blasts shitty music constantly, and if I put my music on when she turns hers off she goes "um, would you mind using headphones? Your music really sucks"
4. Uses my shit (like my straightener and aloe cream) all the time, but if I ask to use her nail polish remover or something she hints that I should get my own
5. Waits until the last second for everything and then freaks out on me
6. Blow dries her hair at ungodly hours
7. Constantly puts me down because my school isnt as high rated as hers, even though I'm smarter than her and just chose not to go to her school even though I was accepted.

I almost lost this blog

So I usually have myself logged in, but I haven't stopped by since my last blog, so I guess it logged me out, and I couldn't remember what email I used or anything, so I had to like, google myself, then put my url in the blogspot forgot your password thing, then it sent me a bunch of emails and I had to check all my accounts to see which it went to, then once I found it on my school account, I had to reset the password... Now that I think about it, it probably wasn't worth it. hahaha.